As I suppose lower back on the previous 24 years of presenting couples counseling for homosexual male relationships, I every so often get requested what the variations are that I see (in general) in homosexual male relationships that are (again, in general), special from straight relationships.

I provide these ideas to each single and coupled homosexual men, based totally on my point of view of what I’ve viewed via the years. My experiences and observations as a homosexual men’s professional psychotherapist may range from different homosexual men, and even different homosexual male therapists, and we constantly have to be aware of no longer indulging in unfair assumptions, stereotypes, or even prejudices.

But when you consider that making a relationship work (which I define, in part, as the relationship’s degree of pleasure for every companion and in its basic sturdiness and subjective “quality” for every partner) is at least in section primarily based on a skills-building process, abilities that I consider are required for a homosexual male relationship to each suffer (quantity) and thrive (quality). These are the troubles that come up over and over in couples counseling sessions:

1. Money– Gay male couples can have a lot of combat round money.

Statistically, white guys have a tendency to be quite excessive earners. The sexism that girls solely earn a element of what guys earn, for the identical work, extends to each homosexual guys and straight men.

It’s difficult to discover a homosexual male couple the place problems of opposition don’t come up, whether or not involving bodily appearance, social influence, or income.

When cash problems occur in homosexual male relationships, I consider it’s due to the fact all American guys (and elsewhere) are still, even in our oh-so-modern times, anticipated to the “breadwinners.” White men, particularly of center classification or greater socio-economic status, are socialized to “getting their way,” playing a social privilege (whether they choose it or not) among all demographics.

Gay men of coloration face a twin undertaking in managing social reactions and pressures from being each homosexual and human beings of color, and additionally gender expectations. There are many doable pressures to face and overcome. Straight guys face a lot of social pressure, still, to earn extra than their wives.

Conversely, a straight man who earns much less than his spouse can experience humiliated, jealous, or dejected (from each ladies and different men), all from society’s sturdy and ubiquitous messages of what it expects from guys – it’s no longer even up for dialogue or aware awareness; it simply “is.”

So when two homosexual guys structure a relationship, problems of every accomplice competing to be the breadwinner frequently arise.

It’s like some sort of pissing contest. There can additionally be an irony that the older, higher-earning companion can be the sexual backside function in the relationship, and it’s in the bed room the place troubles of power, control, and dominance can be “played with,” reversed, or expressed.

In each and every homosexual male relationship, there is overt power, and there is covert or “passive-aggressive” power. How these dynamics are expressed, and the conflicts that can result, are frequently the impetus for getting into couples therapy.

The homosexual guys that I work with are frequently from blended cultures or distinctive nationalities. I’m now not positive why this is; I sincerely don’t assume it’s due to the fact homosexual male couples “have extra problems” than straight couples, or even that cross-cultural homosexual couples can’t get with the aid of except couples therapy. Maybe it’s that the cultural variations add an more layer of task that can be a supply of conflict.

But it additionally provides an greater layer of mystery, excitement, exoticism, and fun. But alongside with cultural differences, such as language, food, spirituality, traditions, and habits, can be cultural variations about money. So, in couples therapy, variations and conflicts that occur about cash problems on the floor are genuinely variations in culture, even simply variations in “family culture” in the household of origin, even if each companions are the identical nationality/ethnicity.

Couples remedy assisting a homosexual couple get to the bottom of conflicts about cash frequently includes my supporting the companions to apprehend that this is no longer a competition, or that one companion ought to dominate or be declared the “winner.” Rather, it’s about assisting the guys apprehend that their family is now not two “I” that live below the identical roof; it’s about forming a “we.”

Forming a “we,” the place every accomplice is a 50/50 stakeholder in the relationship, can be challenging for men, due to the fact in usual guys are taught to “control” and “dominate” from the time we are little boys in approaches that they don’t even recognize that they’re doing it (Don’t agree with me? Just ask a pupil in feminist research if that announcement is true.)

Unlike straight couples, who (up till tremendously recently) had the monopoly on felony cognizance of their relationships (before home partnerships and marriage equality laws), homosexual guys had been handled with the aid of the regulation as two unrelated men and women underneath one roof, in particular for prison and tax purposes.

Straight married couples are socialized to “blend” their cash greater readily, and they have their parents’ instance and delicate heterosexist behavioral modeling to observe (from the whole thing from function films, to television, to commercials).

They are greater probable to have joint financial institution accounts, joint tax filing, and automated rights of survivorship on the whole lot from 401-ks to Social Security survivor advantages – and they have for generations. Gay guys are socialized to suppose greater individually, and the concept of “blending” their two person incomes into one “household income” as soon as they are coupled is a form of intellectual and emotional hurdle that solely softens with multiplied time and trust.

Couples remedy can contain brainstorming, identifying, evaluating, and imposing precise cash administration plans in the family so that each companions sense like they are making an equal contribution, even if there is a great distinction between Partner A and Partner B’s incomes.

2.Sex– Gay male couples have a tendency to method intercourse differently.

We all recognize that homosexual male couples are a great deal greater probably to entertain the concept of, or even be in, a non-monogamous relationship. Part of this is cultural and historical; phase of this is the nature of men’s sexuality in popular (hey, reality be told, MANY extra straight guys would be non-monogamous if given the chance via their wives, as I have discovered from working with straight guys in my practice, and some (just like homosexual men) take that prerogative even if it’s at once violating a monogamy agreement).

Gay guys are tons extra likely, in general, to solely “not” be appalled at the notion of some other man or woman (man) having intercourse with their partner/spouse, however to be grew to become on by means of it.

Gay guys have a increased ability (in general) for “sport sex,” and much less about foreplay; they can separate intercourse from love greater easily. Without a woman’s precise sexual make-up in the equation, it modifications the sexual equation. You clearly can’t without delay examine a straight couple’s intercourse lifestyles with a homosexual male couple’s intercourse life.

Some matters simply don’t “translate” culturally, physically, socially, emotionally, etc. So, section of my job in couples counseling is to assist homosexual men apprehend this, and to keep away from making direct comparisons to straight relationships all the time (some of the time is OK, in particular in confronting double-standards and internalized homophobia).

Part of my information as a homosexual men’s expert therapist is to apprehend the exceptional cultural concerns of homosexual men, with the aid of this factor in my lifestyles and career, in intense element of “cultural competency” of psychotherapeutic/clinical social work practice.

By validating to a homosexual male couple that their intercourse lifestyles should be mentioned now not solely “apart” of any heteronormative expectations, however additionally independently of even OTHER homosexual male relationships they would possibly be aware of of, the couple can be reassured that the selections and practices they make are special and personalized to them.

There is no one suited “cookie-cutter” intercourse existence for homosexual male couples that suits all.

While this is additionally authentic for straight couples, problems of monogamy, frequency, kind of sex, the “vanilla-versus-kink” spectrum, BDSM, and even time administration discussions differ.

While this is now not always special to homosexual men, a massive aspect can be discovering time for sex, when regularly each companions are busy, high-level executives or authorities who work rather lengthy hours or have jobs that require conventional travel.

3. Household Chores– Perhaps relatively to a non-clinician, the difficulty of how to equitably and pretty divide the listing of frequent family chores can be widely wide-spread subject matter in conjoint therapy.

While modern-day straight couples on occasion like to faux that they are oh-so-liberated, in reality, in many (or most) cases, the female is subtly anticipated to, and ends up doing, the majority of the family chores associated to preserving matters clean, organized, in correct repair, supplied, delivered, monitored, and buzzing alongside in a home household. There is positive fantastic of “Mrs. Hughes” from “Downton Abbey” in even the most liberated cutting-edge spouse and mother, because, again, guys are nonetheless SO socialized in opposition to these matters in desire of the “primary breadwinner” responsibilities being outdoor the home, or the greater physical/mechanical responsibilities of the house, car(s), or yard.

Even straight couples who buck this are regularly very a lot aware, both with themselves or with different people’s reactions, they are certainly bucking the “tradition” (societal expectation). So, when two homosexual guys structure a relationship and have a home element to their lives, there can be friction about who does what, and who is “expected” to do what. There are no “traditional” gender roles to factor anyone in the “right” (I imply that facetiously) direction.

In couples counseling, I commonly suggest that a Master List of Required Household Chores be written down, which is exhaustive and comprehensive. Who can pay the bills? Who does the cleaning? Or, who supervises the cleaning? Who mows the lawn? Or, who will pay the gardener to mow the lawn? Who supervises the gardener? Who adjustments the mild bulbs? Who cooks? Who cleans up? Who grocery shops? Who preferences up the dry cleaning? For the prosperous homosexual couples I frequently work with in Los Angeles, employed family assist does many of these things, however there are positive home chores that can’t be “delegated” to anyone.

Often, making a listing and then discussing how to divide it can be a dialogue at home, or in session. If one associate is a doctor and works at a clinic 60 hours a week, and the different companion is a dancer who has many extra hours free at home, how tons extra of the family chores is the dancer “expected” to do?

The key to this in counseling is regularly “what ‘feels’ fair” in a idea the place each companions are anticipated (somehow) to be making a very subjective “equal contribution” to the relationship.

In my personal relationship (now marriage, when you consider that 2008), I’ve discovered that there are positive chores that every of us each likes to do more, and can do better, and it roughly falls into a 50/50 split. Maybe we’re simply fortunate that way, however I am flawlessly joyful to pay all the payments on line if he oversees maintaining the dry cleansing delivered and picked up. One man’s tedium is any other man’s noticeably blissful task.

The project is making an attempt to reap a experience of “fairness” besides one accomplice feeling humiliated with the aid of too a good deal “domesticity,” which can be viewed as an emasculinization, however why? That sounds like it’s proper subsequent door to misogyny, that some thing related traditionally with “women’s work” is by some means additionally related with menial, humiliating work, as adverse to a fundamental and indispensable aspect of having a clean, sanitary, healthy, comfortable, and aesthetically-pleasing home.

In counseling, occasionally problems of sexism want to be recognized and processed out, and problems with family-of-origin the place possibly one companion noticed his mom abused through his father, and these dynamics “carry over” into that associate being specifically touchy about “dominance dynamics.” These matters are the emotional problems that underlie very realistic chores that want to be completed for a family (even with no kids) to function.

4. Kids– It’s simply solely been noticeably lately that homosexual male couples have had greater and greater social aid for having kids, both thru fostering, adoption, or surrogacy.

And, yet, homosexual guys can surely have a sturdy paternal intuition as adults. Gay male relationships the place there is a parenting thing concerned fluctuate from straight relationships usually in that same-sex parenting wants more support.

Locally in LA, the Pop Luck Club is an records and social/support crew for genuine or possible homosexual fathers. While straight couples are still, in this day and age, “expected” to have teens (with stress from parents, siblings, peers, etc.), homosexual male couples are “expected” now not to.

There is additionally no such element as “accidental” being pregnant and parenthood in a homosexual male relationship. And, a dialogue of “gender roles” in phrases of duties and chores comes into play. When I have a look at straight couples with children, I’m every now and then amazed how many chores simply “automatically” go to the mother, besides any apparent dialogue that fathers can additionally do some matters that beforehand had been the sole area of mothers.

For homosexual fathers, there are no gender stereotypes to “guide the way,” so the division of responsibilities has to be mentioned from robotically a greater socially independent standpoint.

5. Family– In homosexual male relationships, the position of one of the male companions in taking care of growing old mother and father can be an issue, comparable to straight couples.

But in household relationships with the “in-laws” in a homosexual male relationship, there can from time to time (not always) be variations in how the in-laws react to “the homosexual thing.”

While some in-laws can be adverse to the man or female their household member marries, for all types of motives (ethnicity, religion, socio-economic status, nationality, etc.), the stakes are greater for homosexual male relationships due to the fact there simply appears to be at least one serious homophobe in each and every family.

Gay guys in relationships are known as upon, in general, extra regularly to set limits and confront any brazenly or subtly adversarial conduct towards their partner/spouse. This places an more stress on homosexual male relationships that straight couples can have, however it’s now not as likely.

Fortunately, for most of the homosexual couples I have labored with, there have been distinctly few significantly antagonistic in-law conflicts. More often, the son-in-law is handled as a full member of the family, which is a high-quality element to be in a position to say about the contemporary instances we stay in.

In counseling, any problems of household member struggle can every now and then be addressed thru role-plays, function reversal/rehearsal, and even household therapy.

6. Work– In homosexual male relationships, it appears to be extra accepted, overall, that work regularly “has to come first.”

Busy male executives, straight or gay, have been socialized that it simply “comes with the job” to work later nights, weekends, or even on vacations.

I additionally have located and agree with that now and again homosexual guys in relationships capitulate to work/bosses and supply greater of their time than straight husbands and fathers do, which can be a very (very!) delicate shape of internalized homophobia, the place a homosexual male will fail to set limits with work, however a straight father will set limits on leaving a assembly early to be at his kid’s college play that nighttime or to meet his spouse for an anniversary dinner. Again, this is a generalization, however after over 20 years of doing homosexual men’s couples therapy, I see this double-standard too often.

I now and again advice homosexual male companions that if a straight man would be no longer capitulate to an intrusive and stressful boss’s request, a homosexual man shouldn’t either, in the equal situations.

I name this, in couples work, making your relationship work on 4 levels: 1) emotionally; 2) bodily (including your intercourse life); 3) domestically (see above); and a fourth region that I name “managing The Other.” Sometimes gay guys in relationships have to manipulate every person who is “The Other” who undermines their relationship: an intrusive in-law, noisy neighbors, flirtatious twinks in clubs/bars/social events, or a boss who doesn’t appreciate his/her employee’s private time (especially when stated boss would admire the private time of a straight employee, cuz, you know, their relationship “counts” more).

7. Fun– Fortunately, one massive and constant gain I have located in homosexual male relationships over straight ones is that homosexual couples persistently reveal a youthfulness, playfulness, and experience of fun, specially with friends however additionally on my own with every other.

Dancing in clubs, going on homosexual cruises, having sexual three-ways, attending charitable events, experiencing eating adventures, celebrating birthdays/anniversaries in innovative ways, elite athleticism, indulging pets, doing pristine domestic improvements, world travel, and exploring nature are simply some examples.

While this is frequent to prosperous homosexual male couples, even center type or working classification homosexual couples appear to have an more experience of discovering fun, innovative pastimes.

Some of this ought to be simply the financial privilege that comes with twin “male” salaries and no kids, however I additionally suppose it’s due to the fact homosexual guys have a tendency to have an adventurous, creative, youthful (even “age-inappropriate”), and exuberant spirit – and when each companions have these traits, the matters they dream up to do collectively can be extraordinary.

8. Stimuli– Similar to the above “fun” element, even if once in a while viewed “age-inappropriate,” homosexual male couples frequently have a extra liberal method to matters that stimulate and venture them, in particular physically.

This can even consist of elements of all sorts – usually alcohol, however additionally leisure tablets or even exclusive meals or “trendy” diets. Men are bodily large than women, so they can go thru a lot of alcohol and meals at occasions (hence the memories of the first all-gay cruises jogging out of alcohol on board!).

Whether this is a “good thing” or “bad thing,” I do suppose homosexual male couples have a specially large “tolerance” for indulging. A buddy of mine as soon as stated that he believed homosexual guys had particularly-evolved fundamental questioning skills.

He stated that if we can go via all the soul-searching and difficult societal “expectations” adequate to come out when we are young, we can in no way once more method an awful lot of whatever barring the capability to study it very critically, and weighing the dangers and advantages of simply about some thing (from substances, to charity athletic challenges, to excessive leisure sports) and thinking/acting for ourselves.

9. Appearance – Unlike straight couples, and comparable to the above opposition about money, homosexual guys have an inherent feel of “male competition” when it comes to bodily appearance, like the preening male peacock or even the “Adonis complex.”

Men in universal (straight and gay) are simply extra “visually-oriented” than girls (hence the recognition of the billion-dollar porn industry).

While two homosexual guys may love one every other in their relationship, they will nevertheless subtly compete with one every other to others, like most adult males in the animal kingdom. How many instances have we considered homosexual neighborhood examples the place one accomplice “has the money” and the different accomplice “has the looks”? This can be a sure mutual benefit, however it can additionally be a supply of opposition or even resentment of what the different has that he lacks.

We favor to make ourselves alluring to every other, however we additionally have a tendency to choose to be identified and admired in our personal proper through others. This can at instances be unhealthy, however there is such a component as a realistic or “healthy narcissism.” Everyone likes to be advised that they seem good, or that a new outfit or haircut fits them.

Straight couples aren’t judged by means of a direct, same-gender assessment through their buddies the way homosexual male couples are.

Traditionally, girls face extra “pressure” than their husbands or boyfriends to appear good; ladies face regular strain to “look good”, specially as they age. In homosexual couples, they are predicted to seem right as a “handsome couple” and in direct contrast to every different as the equal gender.

Some homosexual male couples work out together, share clothes, serve as every other’s “stylists,” and debate the latest/most high-quality grooming products. One of the largest criticisms of modern, city homosexual male lifestyle is that it is one large relentless “beauty contest,” which at its worst can provoke consuming disorders, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, steroid abuse (as adversarial to reasonable, medically-supervised use), self-consciousness, and a warped viewpoint of private well worth (“I’m beautiful, consequently I’m good”/”I’m over 35, consequently I’m worthless”).

For homosexual male couples, loving and accepting the self for my part and in context of every other, and society at large, can be a challenge.

10. Politics– I suppose gay male couples are simply certainly greater affected via politics, modifications in laws, and adjustments in society than straight couples are.

We hear in the information nearly each day some thing that should probably alternate our felony status, and straight couples don’t have a tendency to be affected via legal guidelines nearly every day like that.

Every nation that legally embraces marriage equality influences homosexual couples in that country positively, whilst different states that (to this day, even after the Supreme Court ruling) combat teeth and nail to undermine and de-legitimize same-sex marriages, up to and consisting of the “religious freedom” proper to discriminate, have an effect on homosexual couples negatively.

When we watch the nighttime news, or examine information retailers online, they are regularly speakme about us as homosexual men. Most straight couples do no longer wake up each and every day to the information of some fool Republican flesh presser or spiritual conservative (usually “Christian”) pundit calling them vile names and advocating for their criminal and social demise, and we do.

That simply places an more stress on the day, in addition to the reality that the Internet carrier company is down or that the cat simply threw up grass on the carpet. I have determined that homosexual male relationships want to become aware of different couples (gay or straight, however in particular different homosexual male couples) who can be section of their “collective guide system” in the face of such terrible and apparently ubiquitous rhetoric.

Gay male couples have a tendency to be extra politically aware, and even extra politically energetic (attending protests, writing letters, attending fundraisers, watching boycotts, making donations) than straight couples, due to the fact their rights and existence are challenged each day these days with a positive urgency and immediacy that straight couples are commonly spared. I continually say, with all the stressors on homosexual male relationships, from homosexual neighborhood relationship and sexual “drama” and all the political “culture wars” going on, nationally and globally, it’s a surprise homosexual male relationships structure in the first place, let by myself endure, and happily.

However, form, endure, and happily, they do, regularly besides my assist at all. But when they want my help, I’m right here to serve. I’ve been doing that for over 20 years, and it is my honor and privilege.